McSweeney’s recently posted this little gem of complaints “as explained by neglected girlfriend Janet Iverson” listing the Halo 3 cheats that would allow her boyfriend to spend more time with her and less time being what sounds like a complete slob and total bore.
Funnily enough, the piece is written by a man. That fact alone eliminates any responsibility I have to disprove its validity, but for the sake of completion I will grind its fragile bones to dust.
First of all, the “boyfriend” of this “woman” is clearly unworthy of having any girlfriend, let alone a specimen of the most powerful Girlfriend Guild: the Nerd Girlfriends. According to “Janet,” her boyfriend doesn’t shower or eat food other than doughnuts and Bugles and has no interests other than playing Halo 3.
Now that’s hot. With that diet and amount of physical activity he’s probably a stallion in bed. Janet, truly you are blessed.
Secondly, the author (in all his manly manliness) chose to craft this vignette on the stage of Halo 3. To that all I can say is: Maybe women who don’t like watching men play Halo 3, don’t like it because it’s a fucking shallow repeat of a game with the most despicable online community short of the guttercocks on Something Awful.
Let’s test out a couple scenarios: “Oh, what’s that? You’re going to dominate the living room screaming MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT at the screen for the next six hours? I’ll see you later.”
“Oh, you’re going to play BioShock instead? Maybe some Assassin’s Creed? Mass Effect? Beautiful graphics, complex gameplay, interesting choices? And no fourteen year-old KKK members screaming homophobic and racial slurs over voice? That sounds awesome!”
Or even better: “You’d rather play Lego Star Wars or World of Warcraft with me than aim headshots from the same tower on the same map that you play over and over again because you suck too much at this game anyway? Kick ass! I call Darth.”
Honestly, 9 times out of 10, watching someone play a video game can be far more entertaining than watching a movie or a TV show. But not when that game sucks. Maybe if your girlfriend hates it when you play games, it’s because you play weak titles that rely on repetitive slogging through the muds of slaughter.
Or perhaps it’s because you’re a slobby, boring, jerk-off who doesn’t deserve to be graced by the presence of any true nerd, let alone a female nerd who wants to fuck you.